Friday, April 1, 2016

When pride won't come out



   I go to Casa Colina Hospital near here in Pomona twice a week to work out.  Casa Colina is a rehabilitation hospital, catering primarily to people who have become disabled, helping them learn to live with their disabilities, and it has a program for disabled people from the community to use its gym.  When I’m there, I work with weights on my upper body and use a hand bike.  There are usually staff members or volunteers to help me with setting up the weights or tie my hands to the bike. 
   Anyway, when I was there the other day, there was a new volunteer, a young woman who seemed cool, with the sides of her head shaved.  As she was helping me, trying to figure out how to strap a sandbag weight on my arm, how to reattach my speech device to my wheelchair, I noticed she was wearing a gay pride bracelet.  I thought this was way cool – it made me happy – and I wanted her to see my rainbow bracelet, to let her know that I understood, that she had company.  And, okay, I wanted her to see I’m not just a patient, a disabled person that needs help; I wanted her to see that I have a life, a life like her. 
   The problem was that I was wearing long sleeves, and my rainbow bracelet, along with a friendship bracelet, was way up my arm, under the sleeve.  I tried to get the sleeve up and the pride bracelet out.  I kept rubbing my arm on my leg, hoping the sleeve would ride up.  (My other arm, as frequently happens, wasn’t being cooperative.) But to no avail. 
   No.  Nothing doing.  I was stuck, like I was back in the closet, and the door was locked.  There was no pride, no being out, today. I do rainbow laces on my Docs, but I wasn’t sure if the young woman saw them - they’re more subtle perhaps, not really out there, not like the bracelet. 
   Before I left, I almost tried to tell her that I like her bracelet, but a staff member came over, and I didn’t want to make an awkward scene. 
   I left, frustrated, but figuring that I’ll see the volunteer again and that she’ll eventually see my bracelet, especially when it gets warm and I start going shirtless in my overalls.  I also thought once again about getting a rainbow sticker and putting it on the front of the cup holder on my wheelchair.  That way, I will always, always be out and never stuck back in the closet. 

4 comments:

  1. Are you a person who likes buttons? I'm fond of them for simple self-outing. I know what you mean about not wanting to miss out on connecting with somebody else who is queer. It sucks to feel invisible. And, yeah I just take this opportunity to let you know how much I appreciate you out in the world, writing and making videos, and shedding a little late into my own life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Are you a person who likes buttons? I'm fond of them for simple self-outing. I know what you mean about not wanting to miss out on connecting with somebody else who is queer. It sucks to feel invisible. And, yeah I just take this opportunity to let you know how much I appreciate you out in the world, writing and making videos, and shedding a little late into my own life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Are you a person who likes buttons? I'm fond of them for simple self-outing. I know what you mean about not wanting to miss out on connecting with somebody else who is queer. It sucks to feel invisible. And, yeah I just take this opportunity to let you know how much I appreciate you out in the world, writing and making videos, and shedding a little late into my own life.

    ReplyDelete