Breaks in the flow

   More and more, I find myself griping about getting older, saying that I don’t like it.  I guess this shouldn’t be a surprise, since, at 56, I am no longer young, and this will be more the case.  What I tend to gripe about is being more fatigued, most likely more noticeable living with a severe disability, which takes considerable energy.  I also don’t like it that I’m having more health issues, whether they come from getting older or my Cerebral Palsy or, most likely, some combination thereof. I’ve realized I’ve been quite lucky in not having many such problems for so many years.   
   Back in September, I posted about “getting my penis back” when an internal catheter was removed after an incident of urinary retention, in which I felt no urge to and couldn’t pee.  This was the third time in 16 years that it happened.  It was a rare, bizarre thing that any urologist I saw couldn’t explain. 

   Well, I spoke too soon.  Less than a week later, I was eating my words and wasn’t urinating and had to go to the E.R and be catheterized, a traumatic and quite painful experience, as I detail in my September post.  This was most alarming, not only because of this but also because it happening just a month instead of years later meant it could happen at any time.  I couldn’t deal with this. 

   I had a real dilemma.  On the one hand, I didn’t want to worry about not peeing and then having to go through the experience of having a catheter inserted. On the other hand, having the catheter in is inconvenient, involving some more care and work, but it also means I can’t engage in any sexual activity, at least in a pleasurable way involving my penis.  It’s no fun when it hurts to have a hard-on! 

   I still have a catheter in.  Ugh!  No wonder I’ve been grumpy – as if the election wasn’t enough.  The urologist I’ve been seeing agreed with me that the retention is likely related to my C.P – a muscle spasm? – and referred me to a neuro-urologist at the USC/County hospital that I’m seeing.  I feel hopeful that he can find out what’s going on and how I can both not worry about peeing and have my penis back, so to speak, even as I’m nervous about going back next month for a scary sounding test involving tiny sensors. 

   No, I don’t like this getting older shit.  Then again, when I had the catheter replaced yesterday – they shouldn’t be in for more than a month – it didn’t hurt as much as before! 

  

   Perhaps in the spirit of getting older as well as the holidays, I’m taking a long winter’s nap.  I plan to resume posting by late January.