A shot of guilt

 

   I got my first shot of the COVID-19 shot (the one from Pfiser) yesterday.  And I feel fine. 

   I mean, I feel physically fine.  My arm hurts just a bit – the antibiotic shots I got a while ago hurt more – but, other than that, I don’t have any of the side effects I’ve heard about.  No fever, no dizziness, no tiredness (at least no more than usual).

   And I feel tremendous relief, not having to worry about getting sick and probably hospitalized with the virus – a real danger with my disability. 

   But, ironically because of this, I don’t feel good psychologically. I feel guilty about being relieved and safe.  It’s something like survivor’s guilt. 

   The thing is, I’m not supposed to be able to get a shot at this time here in California.  I’m 61, and, currently, only those 65 and older, healthcare workers and residents of nurturing homes are eligible to get a shot in the state. 

   A friend got me an appointment at a hospital in Fontana, about 40 minutes away (a bit of a drive but worth it). I don’t quite know how he did it, but I think he said I’m in a care facility. 

   Which, in a sense, I am.  Yes, I live in my own home, but I have six attendants who come in shifts to provide the care that I need.  I feel confident that my attendants are taking great care not to get the virus, and they now wear masks when they are here, but this isn’t 100% protection with so many coming in and out of my house.  In fact, one attendant found out a roommate had or was exposed to COVID-19 shortly before Christmas and had to quarantine and couldn’t return to work here until well after New Year’s.

   Sure, you can say I’m in a home with staff coming in with possible exposure to COVID -19, but it’s a bit of a stretch. 

   Meanwhile, there are many disabled people, severely disabled people like me, who aren’t 65 or in nursing homes and who are wondering when they can get they the vaccine.  They are very worried about getting COVID-19 and perhaps ending up in the hospital, where, with so many in the hospital, it could be difficult getting the help they need and, because they are disabled, they could be low on the list when it comes to deciding who gets the limited care and equipment available.  Just like I was. 

   Yes, it’s great I got the vaccine, but it’s not fair.