When I see a guy

 

   Sometimes, like when a male student from the colleges shows up at Quaker meeting, and I can’t keep my eyes off him during worship, I wonder why I’m gay.  Why am I attracted, so very attracted, to men?  What was it that got me to get turned on when I see certain guys? 

   It’s not really about or only about dick. It’s not like, when I see a guy, all I see, or imagine, is his dick.  I can’t deny that it’s there, that it’s a factor, a big factor, but there is so much more to admire and love about the male body, the male physique.  I can get aroused when I see a guy’s back, a guy’s smooth, tanned shoulder blades.  I know they are a guy’s, even when they’re all I see, and I get excited. 

   I remember when Harvey Milk was murdered, and when thousands of gay men and lesbians rioted and marched, especially when his killer got off with a lighter sentence.  I was a young teenager, and it was decades before I came out, but I felt like I could relate to their rage and sadness, to their being made outsiders – no doubt because I was an outsider, shunned and made fun of, because of my disability and impaired speech. 

   Fine, but this doesn’t explain my same-sex love.  It is, perhaps, an important backdrop to what came later. 

   Sometime in my teens, I was made aware that I tended to avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  Was this true?  Did I not like seeing myself?  Was I repulsed by what I saw?  I didn’t know. As far as I know, I hadn’t thought about it.  Being so advised, I made an effort, a real, conscious effort, to look at myself in the mirror.  At first, it was an exercise, a chore.  After a while, though, perhaps like Narcissus looking into the pond, I began to like what I saw.  Indeed, soon enough, I admired and loved my crippled, spastic body. 

   Around this time, I discovered masturbation and was exploring ways that I could, with my limited physical ability, masturbate and enjoy and have fun with my dick and my body. I discovered that wearing overalls helped in this process – and it was a process.

   I soon found that I liked seeing myself doing this. Seeing myself having fun with myself in the mirror was even more fun. Whether or not I would have said so at the time, it was hot, my body was hot, and turned me on.

   Soon enough, I was thinking and wondering about other guy’s bodies, and I began looking at other guy’s bodies and enjoying it.  For many years, I couldn’t say I was turned on by them – I would tell myself that their clothes or hair were cool or something.  At the same time, I kept relating, and strangely feeling comforted by, all those gay guys protesting and marching for justice for Harvey Milk and later for their lives during the AIDS crisis and then against discrimination and unjust legislation and for the freedom to love and marry who they wanted.  When I finally came out, finally admitted that I was one of them, at age 39, it was a huge release, a great liberation. 

   There are probably other factors, like the fact that I liked writing poetry and going window shopping with my mom when I was a kid.  Then again, my brother didn’t really like playing sports and played French horn when he was growing up, and he didn’t turn out gay.  Those who are into Freud might say that I’m stuck in some childish phase, infatuated with myself. If I had not been disabled and if I had not been encouraged to not avoid looking at myself in the mirror, would I be straight?  I have no idea.  All I know is I love it that I love my crazy, twisted body, and I love it even more that I love guys.